We can all experience some tension and difficulty in any relationship. We may hit a painful rock with loved ones, work colleagues or our flatmate, but that is an expected part of the development process in human relationships. More importantly is the willingness and ability to overcome these hurdles. But there are some relationships that we need to evaluate very closely. These are the interactions where we continually feel that we are in the presence of a person that can leave us feeling drained, anxious, depressed, and even questioning the purpose of our very existence.
The red flags
No matter how much you try to work it out in your mind and maybe make excuses for that person, the truth remains that, whenever you are with that person, something just doesn’t feel right. You feel uncomfortable, perhaps fearful, clammy, or extremely tense to the point of getting heart palpitations. It may be that, upon first encounters, you seemed to get on well, there appeared to be mutual respect, but then something changed significantly. Perhaps they began to give you haughty looks, make the occasional condescending remark about you, isolate you from others, or prevent you from fully expressing yourself? There is a tendency to project everything that is wrong onto you, by constantly blaming you. This pattern keeps continuing and intensifies to the extent that you almost know what to pre-empt.
You, however, keep comforting yourself with the belief that, with time, things will get better. The truth is that a year or more may have gone by already and nothing positive about that person has changed. To you they have grown wings and are now nastier. The focus of the narcissistic person is always on themselves; it’s never about acknowledging the person they are hurting. If you remain the victim, they are content.
Important facts
The first hurdle is to admit that you are in a toxic relationship. Ironically, toxic relationships don’t have a clear definition amongst professionals, but there is consensus around characteristics such as bullying, power imbalance, and intense emotions such as shame, guilt, and lack of empathy.
Researchers have found that these types of relationships cause damage to both physical and mental health, families, staff morale, workplace motivation and performance, and much more untold damage. It is negative behaviour that affects all ages and people in every part of the world. So why is it that this bad behaviour can fester?
Many people are sadly caught unaware. The behaviour is often subtle to begin with, the person was simply being nice or helpful. This can happen in a toxic workplace with bosses and colleagues, or in a toxic family between spouses, parents, and children. Increasingly this is also manifesting itself online with young people in particular becoming victims.
Protect yourself.
Once you have accepted that you are involved in a toxic relationship, it is important to seek help to prevent the situation from escalating. Reaching out to experienced people who can help you navigate out of a traumatic situation is crucial to your recovery.
But who do you really know that you can confide in and trust?
You can contact organisations such as the Samaritans or Childline for a non-judgemental listening ear. Confidential workplace counselling can help support issues in the workplace, whilst Refuge and organisations such as Women and Girls Network will provide a comprehensive range of support for more domestic issues.
Often it takes therapeutic intervention working with you closely to steadily resolve difficult internalised issues. The long-term benefit of such an intervention is to help you overcome any unresolved relationship traumas and break unhealthy cycles. Because of the pain attached to such relationships, it’s also easy to contemplate revenge where it isn’t necessary. Most importantly, seek a long-term solution that will enable you to see your situation for what it ultimately is; one dark chapter that needs to end for good for you to embrace the new.
Samaritans
Women and Girls Network
Mental Health Foundation
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Akua J.Quao
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