Akua J. Quao — Articles — Centric Magazine

Akua J.Quao

We can all experience some tension and difficulty in any relationship. We may hit a painful rock with loved ones, work colleagues or our flatmate, but that is an expected part of the development process in human relationships. More importantly is the willingness and ability to overcome these hurdles. But there are some relationships that we need to evaluate very closely. These are the interactions where we continually feel that we are in the presence of a person that can leave us feeling drained, anxious, depressed, and even questioning the purpose of our very existence.

The red flags

No matter how much you try to work it out in your mind and maybe make excuses for that person, the truth remains that, whenever you are with that person, something just doesn’t feel right. You feel uncomfortable, perhaps fearful, clammy, or extremely tense to the point of getting heart palpitations. It may be that, upon first encounters, you seemed to get on well, there appeared to be mutual respect, but then something changed significantly. Perhaps they began to give you haughty looks, make the occasional condescending remark about you, isolate you from others, or prevent you from fully expressing yourself? There is a tendency to project everything that is wrong onto you, by constantly blaming you. This pattern keeps continuing and intensifies to the extent that you almost know what to pre-empt.

You, however, keep comforting yourself with the belief that, with time, things will get better. The truth is that a year or more may have gone by already and nothing positive about that person has changed. To you they have grown wings and are now nastier. The focus of the narcissistic person is always on themselves; it’s never about acknowledging the person they are hurting. If you remain the victim, they are content.

Important facts

The first hurdle is to admit that you are in a toxic relationship. Ironically, toxic relationships don’t have a clear definition amongst professionals, but there is consensus around characteristics such as bullying, power imbalance, and intense emotions such as shame, guilt, and lack of empathy.

Researchers have found that these types of relationships cause damage to both physical and mental health, families, staff morale, workplace motivation and performance, and much more untold damage. It is negative behaviour that affects all ages and people in every part of the world. So why is it that this bad behaviour can fester?

Many people are sadly caught unaware. The behaviour is often subtle to begin with, the person was simply being nice or helpful. This can happen in a toxic workplace with bosses and colleagues, or in a toxic family between spouses, parents, and children. Increasingly this is also manifesting itself online with young people in particular becoming victims.

Protect yourself.

Once you have accepted that you are involved in a toxic relationship, it is important to seek help to prevent the situation from escalating. Reaching out to experienced people who can help you navigate out of a traumatic situation is crucial to your recovery.

But who do you really know that you can confide in and trust?

You can contact organisations such as the Samaritans or Childline for a non-judgemental listening ear. Confidential workplace counselling can help support issues in the workplace, whilst Refuge and organisations such as Women and Girls Network will provide a comprehensive range of support for more domestic issues.

Often it takes therapeutic intervention working with you closely to steadily resolve difficult internalised issues. The long-term benefit of such an intervention is to help you overcome any unresolved relationship traumas and break unhealthy cycles. Because of the pain attached to such relationships, it’s also easy to contemplate revenge where it isn’t necessary. Most importantly, seek a long-term solution that will enable you to see your situation for what it ultimately is; one dark chapter that needs to end for good for you to embrace the new.

Read more by Akua J Quao

FINDING PEACE IN CHAOS

EMBRACING HEALTH LITERACY

THRIVING AND NOT JUST SURVIVING THE FIRST TERM

By Akua J. Quao

As a student getting ready to head off to university, whether a new or a returning student, you may be excited or feeling anxious about starting a new course or returning to continue with your studies. Whatever thoughts are running through your mind, you will no doubt have questions about how you are going to keep safe and settle into some sort of normality following lockdown.

Whilst you can be assured that colleges and universities have been working throughout in order to help students get back to their studies, there are several crucial things that you can do yourself to ensure that you are updated and are able to access adequate support when you need it.

The hectic first term

Due to the often frantic nature of the first term, you can be forgiven for opting for the easiest ways to stay updated. After all, you must remember timetables, room locations, and deadlines, and all whilst also learning to navigate new and different systems such as how to correctly upload your assignment onto Turnitin!

Temptation to follow the crowd is real

There is a real temptation to just engage with your college or university in the simplest way for you, and it’s very easy to simply join the group chat and keep updated through your peers. However, whilst this is a good idea and is important in keeping you in contact with people on your course, it is not to be relied upon as the only option for staying connected.

People can misinterpret information and do make critical mistakes. To avoid this from happening to you it is really important to remain up to date by engaging fully with the various communication systems in place at your college or university, especially as the pandemic continues to shape the way we do things. Some of these suggestions may seem like common sense, but often due to the busy pace of the first term, many students overlook or forget about the things which could save them valuable time and potential heartache as the course progresses.

Tips for thriving

Every college and university will assign someone to you to provide pastoral care. It is important to know who they are and understand their relationship with you, as they are there to help guide you through the academic system and help with accessing various support services. Like many students, you may at some point experience a stage in your academic journey when problems associated with family, finance, work or health may have an adverse effect on your studies. Students can often feel overwhelmed or embarrassed and disengage from student life, so this is when you must reach out to your tutor and get appropriate guidance. There is always a support team available to assist you through the challenging times, so do attend any appointments and let them know if you are having difficulties that could affect your studies.

You will be introduced to a virtual learning environment (VLE), but if you are not familiar or confident in using this then do not fret, as you are not alone. With the right help from the technical team, you will be able to navigate it confidently.

You want to hit the ground running but pacing yourself is key to your success. If you know that time management and organisation is not your area of strength, then now is a good opportunity to get some books or videos where you can learn how to manage your time effectively.

Before you enrol on your course you will use a personal email address to communicate with your organisation, but you will be given a student email account once enrolled. Get into the habit of checking this regularly because this is one of the ways that your lecturers and tutors will communicate with you and you don’t want to miss out on an important update.

We all go through phases where we need someone independent to talk to in confidence and without feeling judged. The health and wellbeing team is a good place to start. Find out early how you can use the service just in case you do need it.

There will be times when you put your whole heart into doing your coursework only to be downhearted when you get your grade back. You may be asked to resubmit so then is not the time to try and find out about the protocol around resubmissions, capped grades and appeals. If you familiarise yourself with the academic regulations beforehand you will already understand how your organisation manages assessments.

With Covid-19 still making headline news, it’s no surprise if you have concerns about how to stay safe. If you have an underlying health condition, anxiety or other concerns about being on site, then speak to your personal tutor about this to find out what allowances can be made to support you with your learning. Following the mask wearing and hand sanitizing guidelines is priority for keeping you safe whilst you learn.

“Keep in contact with family if you have moved away from home, especially if it is your first time. Going to college or university is something to look forward to as you make new friends and learn new things, so make sure you are well prepared in order to make the most of this special time in your life.”

— Akua J. Quao